what if...

what if i'm not meant for this path?
i feel so young, so naive, so inexperienced. i know nothing about the world.
i keep telling myself, experimentation is my only next experience. what i'm doing now will only be an experience.

and experiences can be temporary
right?
they can change.
they're not permanent.

but there's so much i want to do right now, maybe more than this?
i want to travel, i want to explore, i want to live in the city with a best friend and be silly all day, make coffee all day, talk with people.
there's that part of me that never got to do that. not a part of me.
me. i never got to do that.

i feel rushed. life shouldn't be accelerated. and i feel incredibly accelerated. i feel pushed and pressured and i don't want to let others down.
this is the path i have chosen (i need to remind myself that this is the path, for now.)

i talked to a friend earlier this week, she got the chance to photo-journalize, experience being around the world, being on the front lines, witnessing change, other experiences outside her immediate.
after 3 years of that, she decided she had a passion for teaching. and it's so strong in her, i can see it. it's beautiful.
she has an interview lined up in SF, eventually where i want to end up (at least for a few years of my life)
i wish her so so much of all the best of luck.

i just think there is so much to do before settling down, getting that day to day constant job. right now, teaching-yes, i want to teach. but i feel like it will bolt me down.
it's a job i have to be fully dedicated. the education realm is a tough one, so many inequalities, so many unfair thoughts, ideologies that need to be fixed.
it's not that i don't believe in myself, i know i can be the best teacher if i want to be.
and i want to.
but i don't feel that that urge is fully developed.
my passion is budding.
it's the cocoon.
it's the kindergartner, still wanting to be a fire-fighter.

this is all so overwhelming.
i'm a little lost i think. i love school, what i'm learning, but i feel braindead.
i need to get my 20s out. whatever that even means.
i'm sure everyone has had that, or if not, needs one.

if i could, i would dedicate all my time right now to coffee, learning about it, crafting it explicitly well, and music. but that's so 20s. not thinking about the future, only the immediate.
it's not wise.

it's conflicting. i'm torn that i feel embarrassed talking about it because there's nothing to talk about.
for now, i'm thinking i need to finish one thing then decide the next step.
it's all i can do right now.