i've forgotten how adorable kids are. i think one of the hardest things i will have to overcome when i become a teacher is to resist the constant urge of hugging each and every one of my little devils.

today, we were writing sentences on what we like about school and what we do in school, using the sentence frame: "In my school, I...," replacing the pronoun "I" with "we," "our," "there," etc. At the end of the lesson, mrs. c-h read some of them out loud.

"In my school, I like school because it is school."

"I like school because it is fun. I like school when it is fun. I like school a lot because it is fun."

"In my school, I have a pen."

"In my school, I like the walls and papers."

i couldn't control my laughter - another thing i will have to learn to resist.

first day!

today was my first day back in the classroom after a very long time. 

i was so excited, i drank 2 cups of coffee.

well, also because partially i had to wake up at 7am.

i am placed at a beautiful K-5 elementary school, test scores are a little higher compared to the rest of the district, its a new school only 7 years old, and walking around the school with the principal, i can tell the school most definitely prides on its motto of being safe, respectful, and responsible. it's pasted everywhere.

i will be working with mrs. c-h in her first grade classroom, it's specifically an ELL (english language learner) classroom, where all 25 kids are SLAs (second lang learners), with only 2 EOs (english only). this isn't surprising.

the kids are further classified into ELD1, 2, and 3 in first grade, depending on their english proficiency level.

they are so little and small and filled with dimples, i can't stop smiling. they're all so eager to learn and it's so nice being able to work with fresh brains and new minds. 

my GT (guiding teacher) is just awesome. i am thrilled and so grateful i am placed with her. she has been teaching for 13 years, but it's her first year at this school. she is so dedicated to her kids and i can honestly tell she is amazing at teaching from just being in her classroom for 5 minutes. 

they say you can tell how good a teacher is by observing their classroom for 1-2 mins.

scary.

i selected a case study participant today, a little boy Alejandro. i will be studying his english proficiency, his levels of growth as well as learn more about him. he's so bright, yet shy.

i go back wednesday morning and i cannot wait.

i think my passion for teaching has been renewed and awakened and i am excited to be back in a classroom.

small update

so i got promoted at work! kinda a shift lead now :)
it's nice. i am getting so much more practice on the espresso machine, learning so much more from my coworkers and getting a lot better on my latte art.
having a rush, pulling perfect shot after perfect shot and serving these drinks to customers make me so happy. and satisfied.
i like that feeling.

after a long hard day at work, it's good to know people appreciate what you do. even if it's just waking them up for a couple hours, and making them a cup of good coffee.

school's good. it's my 2nd week of my 2nd term, well the 2nd week just ended. it's a huge relief to find out that i finally have a placement; i will meet the principal and my guiding teacher of the elementary school i will be observing at and eventually carry out my student teaching.

this term, i'm taking 2 classes. one on teaching english learners. we're learning about biligualism, what it  means to be language proficient, second language acquisition, who our english language learners are, where they come from, the data and statistics and research.
living in LA, oh yeah- the percentages of ELLs soar high. it's important for a first-year teacher to understand who her students are.

check out this video:: Immersion
my heart hurt so much after watching this. i felt angry and didn't know who to blame.
there is so much motivation, love for learning, and passion in Moises.

my second class focuses on learning how to teach language art and social science. we look at national and state standards, common core standards, and 21st century thinking skills. how to create learning objectives and ways to implement them in the classroom.
eh, kinda interesting. but not quite as grasping as my other classes. MAYBE BECAUSE IT'S 5 HOURS LONG? don't get me started.

the more i think about it, regarding that whole previous rant post about my 20s blah blah. that feeling is still there. but i think i just need to reignite my passion for kids and teaching. i'm hoping being in a classroom again after months of not being in one will help me realize how much i like being in a classroom again.

at work tonight, my coworker said something super confusing to me. i can't even recall or say it because it was incomprehensible to me.
basically it was along the lines of how i am very black and white. i know what i like, and what i don't like. and what i like, i am very passionate about. likewise, i am very passionate about not liking the things i don't like.
i see this to be true, but also not quite. to me, this analysis of me leaves no room for the gray. for experimentation. and i do love to try new things.
and he was prematurely analyzing me.

then again, we were talking about my love for basil and the smell of steamed milk.
and my dislike of heights and animals>kids.

hence my coworkers and i decided paradise for me would be locked in a room with kids running around throwing basil in the air.
yeah, work was fun tonight haha.

beginnings

the yellow, red, and blue before mixture
the one year old, his foot suspended in mid-air, before the first step
the eager palm reaching out to grasp the iPhone 5, her first smart phone
the drop of someone's first pay check in the mail
the hot, freshly cleaned portafilter, waiting for its dosage of grinds
the flicker in the lights of a new classroom
the crackle of a previously unopened textbook in the hands of an English learner
the slight curve of your mouth before a smile
the first burst of light through the blinds of your bedroom this morning
the spark from an electric stove, preparing for the egg in pan
the first swipe of your credit card: a six-pack, gallon of milk and a carton of eggs
the huge breath in, before the dive

sometimes to me, life can be as simple as a cup of coffee. oh, only if it's good of course :)

one of my other passions is the art of coffee. the appreciation you get from customers when you know you've served your best cup and pulled your best shot is beyond rewarding.

yeah, im a geek.

sitting on my couch in silence, with a cup of strong black coffee and a handful of almonds, and my thoughts. it's peaceful.

what if...

what if i'm not meant for this path?
i feel so young, so naive, so inexperienced. i know nothing about the world.
i keep telling myself, experimentation is my only next experience. what i'm doing now will only be an experience.

and experiences can be temporary
right?
they can change.
they're not permanent.

but there's so much i want to do right now, maybe more than this?
i want to travel, i want to explore, i want to live in the city with a best friend and be silly all day, make coffee all day, talk with people.
there's that part of me that never got to do that. not a part of me.
me. i never got to do that.

i feel rushed. life shouldn't be accelerated. and i feel incredibly accelerated. i feel pushed and pressured and i don't want to let others down.
this is the path i have chosen (i need to remind myself that this is the path, for now.)

i talked to a friend earlier this week, she got the chance to photo-journalize, experience being around the world, being on the front lines, witnessing change, other experiences outside her immediate.
after 3 years of that, she decided she had a passion for teaching. and it's so strong in her, i can see it. it's beautiful.
she has an interview lined up in SF, eventually where i want to end up (at least for a few years of my life)
i wish her so so much of all the best of luck.

i just think there is so much to do before settling down, getting that day to day constant job. right now, teaching-yes, i want to teach. but i feel like it will bolt me down.
it's a job i have to be fully dedicated. the education realm is a tough one, so many inequalities, so many unfair thoughts, ideologies that need to be fixed.
it's not that i don't believe in myself, i know i can be the best teacher if i want to be.
and i want to.
but i don't feel that that urge is fully developed.
my passion is budding.
it's the cocoon.
it's the kindergartner, still wanting to be a fire-fighter.

this is all so overwhelming.
i'm a little lost i think. i love school, what i'm learning, but i feel braindead.
i need to get my 20s out. whatever that even means.
i'm sure everyone has had that, or if not, needs one.

if i could, i would dedicate all my time right now to coffee, learning about it, crafting it explicitly well, and music. but that's so 20s. not thinking about the future, only the immediate.
it's not wise.

it's conflicting. i'm torn that i feel embarrassed talking about it because there's nothing to talk about.
for now, i'm thinking i need to finish one thing then decide the next step.
it's all i can do right now.

high needs

my first term's classes consisted of a class on the theories of educational psychology, an introduction to teaching literacy, and teaching in high-needs context.

i have to say my favorite class was the last one - learning to teach in high-needs schools. the first 2 weeks of class were spent looking up the definitions of "white," "black," "yellow," "brown," and "red" in the dictionary. yes- different race colors. i was so bored and thinking to myself that this was such a waste of time. i was paying thousands of dollars, to be able to be taught how to look up colors in the dictionary? wonderful.
but we dug deep. the dictionary's definitions and words used to define these colors match closely to the stereotypes that these different races are given.
side note: white people are not white, as said defiantly by my colleague in class that day. "i call myself peach." and black people are not black, nor am i yellow.
we discussed how society ranks these colors, how the colors are ranked in the past, and how they should be ranked. also the color "red." honestly- i didn't really know what race it represented until i thought about it. it goes to show how invisible the American Indians are in today's world. how we don't think about them, how in actuality it was their land that was stolen from them.

we discussed how forms at the DMV, schools, and in public places, rank the colors when asking people to check what race they are. also, why are the only races on the forms that use their color version: white and black?

also, by the way, race does not exist. it is a social construct. you cannot tell what race someone is by looking at them. an African American woman can be from Lithuania, a Chinese man from Ethiopia.

this was a very touchy topic. race. my professor is Kenyan. she came into class the first day and said that yes, she knows and we know that she is black. get it out of the way. we are going to talk about race and this is a safe place, it is okay to talk about black stereotypes.

my class grew into a place of safe honesty. we all shared personal stories about our past education years, if we've ever been discriminated against. and honestly, the smallest things count. even just having  2 Hispanic men whistling at a blonde white girl - that's something. or in 8th grade, when a substitute teacher said to me and my math group in class out loud: "oh that's okay you have 3 people (while everyone had 4), you have Nicole. she's Asian."

it's the added pressure that comes from a stereotype. how we are expected to perform and sometimes feel like we have to fit into these stereotypes, BECAUSE THEY ARE THERE. we form these ideologies, these stereotypes, in our heads. we as a society make them and make them grow bigger.

we see a bad driver on the road, pass them by, shake our heads because we see he/she is Asian.
we see a homeless man on the road, notice he is black, and immediately lock our doors.

my professor told me a story. how she pulled over one time to give a homeless man some money. while she was releasing the money into his hand, her hands touched his and she saw tears in his eyes. she was immediately struck with emotion and asked why he was crying - he said he couldn't remember the last time someone had touched him. she took his hands and held his hands.

living in LA, i see all kinds of people. all kinds of ethnicities, people of different SES, all living together and working together. this program trains us on how to teach in urban areas, such as inner LA cities. no lie, it's scary. i do obey, succumb, and am victim to many stereotypes. we all do.

the first

my mind is very heavy. it's so clouded that i think it's impeding on my ability to hold live conversations in real life.
it's weird- who would've thought grad school would have this much of an impact?

this will be a place for me to think out loud, a place of reflection for me to see my mind grow, to be able to teach myself, teach my mind of the world, of the education sphere.

for you readers- it's a taste of what earning a masters in education is like (only if you're really interested). yeah, i will curse and swear, but i expect to also be crying sometimes when i write stories here.

it's going to be a reflection journal, but also a place for discussion, if anything. where i can extend my thoughts on pertinent topics, controversial heated thoughts that begin in my classes, grow in my mind, and will continue in student teaching and my future years as a teacher.

i should've started this a while ago. a whole term has been over. so much has not been documented. oh and i will also write down some resources and great authors that have provoked me to be such a critical thinker.

writing makes or breaks a person. writing can free a person; and i look forward to it.